Sunday, October 14, 2012

School, school, air, school

After the previous sickly sweet post you can assume one of two things have happened to me.
1- I crashed and burned after flying so high.
2- I was translated into an even better and more blissful state.

Before I reveal the answer, here is a picture of that happy, blissfully unaware time.
This was taken on the day of school orientation. This is my good friend who is in the program with me. After our orientation, we spent the afternoon together walking around campus buying books, finding the lab and getting ice cream from the famous campus creamery. It was a good day.

Where I am today? Well, it's much closer to #1 of the options above.

Not that things are bad per say, just really really busy. I'm stressed and overwhelmed with all I have going on. I'm questioning why I signed up for this and if I'm capable of making it through in one piece. I do like what I'm learning but it's stretching me. And sometimes stretching hurts. Sometimes I'm not sure if the stretching is going to snap me. I'm writing papers in a way I just don't understand. I'm researching for people when I'm not sure I know what I'm doing. I'm working in groups where there is tension and personality conflicts. And all of that is mentally exhausting.

Not to mention I have a husband and two kids at home on top of school. Oh yeah, and a boss who expects me to show up and be productive at work. Others in my program (who are mostly young and single) have told me they are amazed I am doing all this with kids. Frankly, so am I. And even then, I'm not so sure I'm doing it all that well. I'm worried about my kids. I thought this wouldn't affect them much, but BG is having some issues at school now. I'm questioning if she is sensing and reacting to my stress.

JM is being a incredible help, but I can see that he is also feeling the pressure. He smiles and reminds me that this is what grad school is like. That it's about more than classes and grades. It's about teaching you to learn in a whole new way, force you to interact with those not of your choosing, to stress you out and make you prioritize because you can't possibly do it all. Some days I think I'm just barely holding on.


UK Yankee said...

Hang in there, woman! I'm sure you're doing better than you think, and you're right - stretching hurts, but you'll be so glad you did!

I'm rooting for you out here!

Erin said...

School on top of work and a family sounds VERY stressful. I wish you the very best!